Just Because He Goes to Church Doesn't Mean He's a Good Man

Let me start by saying something that might get a few church aunties typing: just because he goes to church doesn't mean he's a good man.

And before somebody gets their Bible and keyboard ready, hear me out. I'm not saying church attendance doesn't matter. I'm not saying faith doesn't matter. I'm definitely not saying Christian men don't exist. I'm saying that going to church is not a character reference.

I think, especially as Christian women, we've been taught to look for a certain checklist when it comes to men.

Does he go to church? Check.

Does he believe in God? Check.

Does he serve? Check.

Does he know scripture? Check.

Does he pray? Check.

And then somehow we've decided, “Okay girl, he's a man of God.” But... is he? I think we've gotten really comfortable handing out the title “man of God” based on someone's religious résumé instead of their actual character, and those are two very different things.

A man can know every worship song in the rotation and still not know how to communicate. He can quote scripture and still lie. He can lead a Bible study and still be emotionally unavailable. He can serve every Sunday and still treat women terribly. He can pray a beautiful prayer in front of the congregation and then go home and talk to people like they're beneath him. He can have the Bible app, the church hoodie, the Christian podcast, and the perfectly curated Instagram captions and still be a terrible boyfriend.

A man can look Christian and still lack character.

This is what makes me think about 1 Samuel 16:7, which reminds us that people look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. Now, I know this verse was spoken in a specific context when God was choosing David, but I think there's something important for us to take away from it here. We can be so easily impressed by what we see on the outside. The church attendance, the Bible verses, the worship team, the leadership title, the way he prays, or how well he knows how to talk about God. But God isn't fooled by appearances, and neither should we be. We have to be willing to look beyond the image a man presents and pay attention to the heart behind it. Because a man can look the part, know all the right things to say, and still lack the character he's claiming to have.

Which leads me to say... I think we need to stop being so impressed by the résumé. Because Jesus didn't tell us to judge people by how many Sundays they attended. He told us we'd know them by their fruit. And fruit is a whole lot harder to fake when nobody is watching.

How does he treat people when he's angry? How does he respond when someone tells him no? Can he have a difficult conversation without becoming disrespectful, defensive, manipulative, or disappearing? Does he apologize when he's wrong, or does every apology somehow turn into an explanation about why it was actually your fault? Does he respect your boundaries? Does he keep his word? Does he treat women he isn't attracted to with the same respect as women he wants something from? How does he talk about his ex? How does he treat the waiter at the restaurant? How does he treat the person who can't do anything for him? Because character shows up in places where the church crowd isn't watching.

That's something Christian women need to get better at discerning. Sometimes we see a man serving in church and immediately assume he's safe. We hear him pray and assume he's emotionally mature. We hear him talk about wanting a godly wife and assume that means he's prepared to be a godly husband. We see him with a title and assume that title automatically means he has character. But a title is not character. A position is not character. A microphone is not character. And knowing what the Bible says about being a good man is not the same thing as actually being one.

I also think we've got to be careful because sometimes we're so excited to find a Christian man that we accidentally lower the bar. We see the word “Christian” and suddenly things we would consider red flags in somebody else become things we're willing to explain away. “Well, he does love God.” “But he goes to church.” “He's just really passionate.” “He's going through a lot right now.” “He said he prayed about it.” Girl... no. The fact that he's a Christian should not make you less discerning. It should make you more interested in his character.

The standard shouldn't simply be, “He goes to church.” The standard should be, “Does he actually live like the Jesus he says he follows?” Because I don't need a man who can tell me what the Bible says about being a good husband. I need a man who is actually becoming the kind of person who could be one. I don't need somebody who can tell me I'm supposed to submit while conveniently skipping over the parts about loving his wife sacrificially. I don't need someone who wants a “godly woman” as an accessory to his Christian identity while doing none of the work of becoming a godly man himself.

And that's why I'm also starting to feel like we need to be a little more careful with the phrase “man of God.” We throw that title around so casually. “Oh, he's a man of God.” “Girl, that's a good man right there.” “He really loves the Lord.” But sometimes all we actually know is that he goes to church and knows how to talk the church talk. Maybe being called a man of God should mean more than being a man who attends church.

Being a man of God doesn't mean being a perfect man. Let's make that clear. Christian men are still human. They're going to mess up. They're going to have bad days. They're going to get things wrong. They're going to need grace. But there should be some evidence that their relationship with God is actually producing something in them. Humility. Patience. Self-control. Honesty. Integrity. Compassion. Accountability. Faithfulness. A willingness to apologize. A willingness to be corrected. A willingness to grow. That's the difference I'm talking about.

Because anybody can look Christian. Character takes consistency.

Men need to hear this too. Maybe the goal shouldn't be to become the kind of man women at church are impressed by. Maybe the goal should be to become the kind of man whose character holds up even when nobody is impressed. The kind of man who doesn't need an audience to do the right thing. The kind of man whose faith isn't just something he talks about on Sunday, but something that actually affects how he behaves on Monday morning when he's frustrated, Tuesday when he's disappointed, Wednesday when he's corrected, Thursday when he's tempted, Friday when nobody's watching, and Saturday when there isn't a worship set playing in the background.

Because at the end of the day, I don't care how many Sundays you attend if Monday through Saturday you make everybody around you question whether you know Jesus at all.

Because girl, a man can know church and not know character. He can know scripture and not know accountability. He can know how to lead worship and still not know how to lead himself. He can have a cross around his neck and still have no problem breaking someone's heart. So don't just look for the man with the Bible. Look for the fruit.

Because a church attendance record can tell you where a man spends his Sunday morning. His character will tell you who he is the rest of the week.