If Women Wrote the Bible Instead of Men

Before anyone starts typing a long email:

This is a joke.

Mostly lol

But sometimes I read parts of the Bible and wonder… If women wrote this thing, would there have been… additional guidelines? Because respectfully, I think we would have added some details. Some clauses, if you will.

For example:

Commandment #11: Thou shalt communicate.

No disappearing for three business days and returning with “sorry I’ve just been busy.”

Commandment #12: If a man cheats, consequences shall be immediate.

No “boys will be boys.”

No “he’s just going through something.”

Straight to consequences.

The Book of Job (Women’s Version):

“Why is everyone asking Job’s wife why she’s acting weird? She lost everything too.”

Paul’s Letters But Edited By Women:

“Women submit to your husbands…”

Footnote added later:

“…and husbands, maybe learn emotional intelligence.”

The Proverbs 31 Woman?

Cool.

Now where is Proverbs 32 Man?

We have questions.

The Story of Adam & Eve (Revised):

Adam:

“She gave me the fruit.”

Eve:

“Interesting because who was standing there the whole time?”

New Beatitude Added:

Blessed are the women who stop explaining themselves repeatedly... for they are tired.

Would Scripture have been softer?

Maybe.

Would there have been more details?

Absolutely.

Would there be fewer double standards?

Probably.

Would there be entire chapters dedicated to “just because he texted aka sent a letter/scroll stating ‘good morning’ does not mean he likes you”?

Without question.

It would feel like women found scripture and just kept adding footnotes in the margins like "clarificiation needed," "this could've been handled better," and "respectfully, what was the plan here?"