30, Confused & Trusting God

Well, hey girlies.

It’s been about two months since I’ve written anything for the blog, and while I’ve definitely taken breaks from writing before, this one has felt a little different. The past couple of months have just been… a lot. There have been job changes, unexpected situations, decisions I didn’t see coming, and just a whole bunch of life happening at once. Basically, life has been life-ing, and sometimes you have to put the laptop down and deal with what’s happening in front of you. So instead of forcing myself to come up with something to say just for the sake of posting, I decided to give myself the space to actually live through this season. And now that I’ve had a little time to breathe, I figured it was probably time we had a little catch-up.

And if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t really know what to say. Which, apparently, is a very normal part of being 30. Because I really thought turning 30 was going to come with some sort of welcome packet. Maybe a little binder that said, “Congratulations! You are now an adult-adult. Here are your finances, your career plan, your healthy relationship, your retirement account, and your five year plan.”

Instead, I turned 30 and got… more questions.

And honestly, I think that’s something people don’t talk about enough. There’s this weird expectation that once you hit 30, you’re supposed to have yourself figured out. You’re supposed to know what you’re doing, where you’re going, who you’re going there with, and preferably have a cute little house, a solid career, a husband, and maybe a couple of kids somewhere in the mix.

Meanwhile, some of us are just trying to remember to take something out of the freezer for dinner.

I’ve definitely caught myself doing the comparison thing lately. Looking at other people and thinking about where I thought I would be by now. I’ve had moments where I’ve wondered if I’m behind or if I somehow took a wrong turn somewhere along the way. Social media makes it especially easy because you can open Instagram for five minutes and see somebody getting engaged, somebody buying a house, somebody announcing a pregnancy, somebody getting a huge promotion, and somebody else quitting their job to travel the world. And then there’s me, sitting there like, “Okay Lord… so what are WE doing?”

But I’ve been realizing that maybe I need to stop looking at my life like I’m late to something. Because I’m not.

I think I’ve spent a lot of time putting pressure on myself to have certain things figured out simply because I thought I was supposed to have them figured out by now. There are things I thought would have happened by 30 that haven’t happened yet. There are things I thought my life would look like that it simply doesn’t look like. And while I’d be lying if I said I never get frustrated about that, I’m learning that disappointment and gratitude can exist at the same time.

I can want more for my life and still be thankful for the life I have. I can have goals and still be okay with the fact that some of them are taking longer than I expected. I can be confused and still trust God.

That last one has probably been the biggest thing for me lately.

Because I’m very much a “tell me the plan” person. I like knowing what’s happening. I like having an idea of what’s next. I like being able to mentally prepare myself for whatever is coming. And God has repeatedly shown me that he is not particularly interested in giving me the full itinerary.

I’ll pray, “God, please show me what you want me to do.” And he’ll basically say, “Sure. Take the next step.”

“Okay, but what happens after that?”

“Take the next step.”

“Okay, but WHERE are we going?”

“Girl. The next step.”

It’s annoying.... It’s also probably good for me.

Because there have been moments over these last couple of months where I’ve had absolutely no idea what was next, and I had to learn how to sit with that. Not immediately fix it. Not immediately panic. Not immediately assume that because something changed, everything was falling apart.

Sometimes something is just changing. That doesn't automatically mean it’s bad.

And I think that’s where I’ve been lately. In the middle of a lot of changes and a lot of uncertainty, trying to remind myself that uncertainty doesn't mean God has disappeared.

I also think part of why I stopped writing is because I didn’t want to come on here and pretend I had some beautifully packaged lesson when I was still in the middle of figuring things out myself. I’ve never wanted this blog to be the place where I pretend I have life figured out. That has never been the point. I’m a Christian, but I’m also a human being. I overthink. I get frustrated. I question things. I have days where my faith feels strong and days where I’m like, “Okay God, I trust you… but can you please explain yourself?”

Sometimes we make faith look like having no questions. Like trusting God means you’re never confused, never disappointed, never frustrated, and never wondering what He’s doing. I don't think that’s real.

Sometimes faith is literally saying, “God, I don’t understand this at all, but I’m still here.” And that’s kind of where I’ve been.

So, if you’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the last couple of months, that’s pretty much it.

I’ve been living life outside of the blog for a little while. I’ve been dealing with changes, making decisions, trying to figure out work, thinking about the future, praying about things, and honestly just trying to keep myself together some days. Nothing super glamorous. Just life. But I think I’m ready to start writing again.

Not because I suddenly have everything figured out, but because maybe I don’t need to. Maybe we can figure it out together.

So, girlies, consider this my little “I’m back” post. I don’t know exactly what the next few months of this blog are going to look like, but I know I have plenty to talk about. And if you know me, you know that’s probably the understatement of the year.

But God is still God. And I’m still here. So I guess we’ll see what happens next.